On Saturday night I babysat for two little girls that I absolutely adore. Honestly, I aspire to have children exactly like them someday. Here are a few of the reasons why:
1) When asked what Disney princess was her favorite, the four year old said : "Sleeping Beauty. But Mommy doesn't like the princesses. She says they're weak and need men to help them. That's why, even though I'm a princess, I also play basketball and tennis and do things for myself."
2) They were enthusiastic about having me teach them "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" in Spanish.
3) When asked what she wanted for her upcoming birthday, one said "Something special and homemade. I don't want people to have to spend money on me. I have enough things."
UMMM.
More mature than most 23 year olds I know, perhaps? Yes. So. In. Love. I cannot WAIT to raise my own children into fabulous, concerned little citizens.
But then I thought, hmmm..... interesting. Telling me they were not "weak" princesses while dressed up in sparkly beads and playing house and baby doll. Women are sent so many mixed messages that I almost don't even know where to begin. I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "Stand my ground," "Be more aggressive," and "Be independent," only to hear, "Men are intimidated by self-sufficient, strong women" and "You need to let them at least THINK they are helping you in some way, so even if you know how to change your tire, just let them do it."
Ok.....
Does anyone see a conflict of interest here? Because I do.
I found myself at Borders today in the self-help section in between books on "How to Keep Your Man Happy" and "How to Say No and Assert Yourself." I didn't MEAN to be in this section, mind you, I was looking for the book "The Purpose Driven Life" and was led astray. So, I succumbed to the pressure and glanced at both books just for kicks. They ended up sending me polar opposite messages. Completely frustrated, I walked over to the other side and looked at books on the Dalai Lama and Buddhism. In contrast to the first set of books, the books on Buddhism stressed the importance of putting others before oneself, being peaceful, meditating over fighting, and understanding your greater purpose in life instead of always focusing on YOUR goals and YOUR happiness and YOUR success.
My brain started to hurt.
I decided to cut my losses and go to the movies. There, I saw a preview for the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You." While the preview made me laugh (mostly because every woman will be able to relate somehow), it also made me cringe. The opening scene is a little girl on the playground who has a boy push her down and tell her she smells. Crying, she runs over to her mother and asks why the little boy did that. The mother says, "Ohh sweetie, it's because he LIKES you." Then the girl just looks confused.
NO KIDDING! OF COURSE SHE'S CONFUSED! I'm confused and I've been on this blessed planet for 23 years! Do I yell and scream and throw a squash at your head when you piss me off? Or do I sit in my room with a glass of wine, meditate, and write in my journal? Do I let you change my tire for me even though I know how to do it myself or do I whip out my spare? Is it OK for me to be loving and caring and try to help you and support you when you seem to need it or is that immasculating and unattractive? Should I be aggreeable and sweet? Or bitchy and sassy? A little of both? But what ratio if so? 50-50? 60-40?
Or should I just be ME? Because at this point, as much as I would like to be me and am TRYING to be me, sometimes I feel like everyone thinks they know who I am more than I know myself. Welllll... I tend to disagree. Because I am with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year... and I think I have a relatively decent grasp on who I am. At this point it's safe to say that I am strong and independent but also vulnerable and trusting. I don't love quickly, but when I do, I love deeply and unconditionally (whether or not that is always the right way to go). I hate conflict but refuse to be walked on. And when I don't yell or pitch a fit, it's not actually because I'm weak or passive, it's because I have an incredible ability to see a situation from 90 different angles and perspectives which is helpful yet entirely frustrating and exhausting because I am able to justify everything in my life anyway that I want. And sometimes instead of letting my thoughts go through a million filters first to allow me to me a logical decision or come up with a rational reaction, I should just let myself react. But that's not me.
I choose to be happy. I choose to be positive and to give people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to believe that the majority of the population is innately good and filled with potential, whether tapped into or not. I love life and am happy to wake up in the morning full of energy and drive. I do not expend my energy on situations, people or things that I do not feel are worth my time. It does not mean I don't care or have not taken notice, it simply means I have seen enough, heard enough, and been part of enough in my life to know what matters and what doesn't. Dying children and poverty?? They matter. Not agreeing on what color to paint the living room? Insignificant. I feel that if people spent as much energy on giving back and being good as they do on bickering and being stubborn and proving their point, the world would be a much better place.
Until then, I will continue to hold strong to my opinions and ideals while accepting the fact that others' may differ. I will maintain my faith in people and their ability to grow, mature, and do good in the world and stay patient and loving. Mother Theresa once said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. " She also said, "Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. " I choose to follow those words of wisdom. Read that as you will. I will apply that to my relationships, to my job, to my life.
Love, love, love. Pure and simple. You cannot possibly go wrong if you show the world happiness, love, and peace. That is ultimate strength.
So, ladies? Mixed messages aside... be true to yourself. Listen to your own voice because you DO know yourself better than anyone else. Be open enough to listen to what others have to say but strong enough at the end of the day to distinguish your inner voice from theirs. If you figure out a failproof system for doing that, let me know. :)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Elections and hope and change
Tomorrow Barack Obama will be inaugurated. We will have a Democrat in the White House- a Democrat who not too long ago would not have been able to run. That is incredible to me.
I won't lie... I started off loving Hill... say what you will, I saw a strong woman with a great love for children and health care. A woman who, straight out of law school, received an offer to make good money at a top firm and opted to work for the Children's Defense Fund instead. When she was taken out of the running, I wasn't sure how I felt and now I am pleased to say, I am quite thrilled with the decision our country has made.
Politics, economics, and international relations aside, this man represents change and hope and has sparked a fire within people enough to help them see beyond the current state of the U.S. and the world and towards the future and how things CAN be. That is real progress. We know things will be messy for this man and we know not everything will be perfect in the world after 1 term, but the fact alone that people have put so much faith in him and what he will help US to do is amazing. I say us because that is who needs to fix the state of this country. The people. We must all commit to hard work and a greater love for humanity. We can no longer afford complacency, laziness, and selfishness. Now, more than ever, we need to look out for one another and work towards the greater good. We are setting the stage for the world our children will grow up in and that is a huge honor and undertaking.
Happy MLK day and may we all have hope for a better tomorrow.
I won't lie... I started off loving Hill... say what you will, I saw a strong woman with a great love for children and health care. A woman who, straight out of law school, received an offer to make good money at a top firm and opted to work for the Children's Defense Fund instead. When she was taken out of the running, I wasn't sure how I felt and now I am pleased to say, I am quite thrilled with the decision our country has made.
Politics, economics, and international relations aside, this man represents change and hope and has sparked a fire within people enough to help them see beyond the current state of the U.S. and the world and towards the future and how things CAN be. That is real progress. We know things will be messy for this man and we know not everything will be perfect in the world after 1 term, but the fact alone that people have put so much faith in him and what he will help US to do is amazing. I say us because that is who needs to fix the state of this country. The people. We must all commit to hard work and a greater love for humanity. We can no longer afford complacency, laziness, and selfishness. Now, more than ever, we need to look out for one another and work towards the greater good. We are setting the stage for the world our children will grow up in and that is a huge honor and undertaking.
Happy MLK day and may we all have hope for a better tomorrow.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
To my Brain
Dear Brain,
I want to start off the day by letting you know that I really DO love you. I love that you function at a moderately sophisticated level that allows me to converse with people, filter out stupidity, and occasionally score points while watching Jeopardy. I also love that you convinced me that academics and studying were cool as a child which may or may not have affected my chances at becoming prom queen and/or my chances at dressing appropriately so that years later I would not open my yearbook and wonder who that "sweet little boy" was in the pictures. Brain, if you could've just sent me a signal when I took that razor to my eyebrows in 7th grade, preferably one that said, "STOP IMMEDIATELY," I would've really appreciated it. But no hard feelings.
And now I want to take a moment to scold you. Because you see, you tick too much and not in a good way. Once it's past 11 pm, your job is to stop and let me sleep. As much as I'd love to spend each and every night contemplating the trials and tribulations of my life and the world, it makes me tired the next day and HOW am I supposed to function as a fairy godmother when I'm fuzzy and sleepy? Plus, you don't have people calling you in Spanish 97 times a day. Conjugating verbs is tricky sans sleep and caffeine.
I also want to let you know that you don't always need to line up 48 pros and cons to every situation whenever a thought crosses my mind. For example, if someone says "Where do you want to go for dinner?" the following thoughts should not go through my mind:
Well, I would really like Italian food because pasta is delicious.
No, pasta can be messy, let's stick with Mexican because I love nachos.
But nachos make me crunch and mouth noises make me nervous.
True, but I am Latina at heart.
Focus.
I mean, I don't really care, I'm laid back and eat everything.
But I should care because me saying I don't care is a sign of disinterest and makes me seem weak and like I can't think for myself.
On the other hand, I surely don't want to come across as opinionated or pick the wrong restaurant because I KNOW I can go with the flow if I don't like something but I have zero faith in the rest of the world to do so.
And why is that? Why don't I have more faith in people? Why can't I rely on them to make fair, educated decisions and go with the flow too?
"Mariah?"
Shit, what was the question?
"Ummm, I don't care. You pick."
Ughhhhhh...............................
See, brain, that scenario should never play out. That entire thought process should've ended with, "I'd like Italian." But I love you, brain, I do, because I know that someday that logical/deductive reasoning might let me finish law school (unlike that last time when I dropped out).
Brain, today I want you to act on instinct. I want you to stop processing at lightening speed and start having fun. Talk to people, do not overanalyze what you say and what they say, life is too short.
That is my request. And also? No more wild dreams about having a runny nose that will not stop. That's gross. And frustrating.
Love, Mariah XO
I want to start off the day by letting you know that I really DO love you. I love that you function at a moderately sophisticated level that allows me to converse with people, filter out stupidity, and occasionally score points while watching Jeopardy. I also love that you convinced me that academics and studying were cool as a child which may or may not have affected my chances at becoming prom queen and/or my chances at dressing appropriately so that years later I would not open my yearbook and wonder who that "sweet little boy" was in the pictures. Brain, if you could've just sent me a signal when I took that razor to my eyebrows in 7th grade, preferably one that said, "STOP IMMEDIATELY," I would've really appreciated it. But no hard feelings.
And now I want to take a moment to scold you. Because you see, you tick too much and not in a good way. Once it's past 11 pm, your job is to stop and let me sleep. As much as I'd love to spend each and every night contemplating the trials and tribulations of my life and the world, it makes me tired the next day and HOW am I supposed to function as a fairy godmother when I'm fuzzy and sleepy? Plus, you don't have people calling you in Spanish 97 times a day. Conjugating verbs is tricky sans sleep and caffeine.
I also want to let you know that you don't always need to line up 48 pros and cons to every situation whenever a thought crosses my mind. For example, if someone says "Where do you want to go for dinner?" the following thoughts should not go through my mind:
Well, I would really like Italian food because pasta is delicious.
No, pasta can be messy, let's stick with Mexican because I love nachos.
But nachos make me crunch and mouth noises make me nervous.
True, but I am Latina at heart.
Focus.
I mean, I don't really care, I'm laid back and eat everything.
But I should care because me saying I don't care is a sign of disinterest and makes me seem weak and like I can't think for myself.
On the other hand, I surely don't want to come across as opinionated or pick the wrong restaurant because I KNOW I can go with the flow if I don't like something but I have zero faith in the rest of the world to do so.
And why is that? Why don't I have more faith in people? Why can't I rely on them to make fair, educated decisions and go with the flow too?
"Mariah?"
Shit, what was the question?
"Ummm, I don't care. You pick."
Ughhhhhh...............................
See, brain, that scenario should never play out. That entire thought process should've ended with, "I'd like Italian." But I love you, brain, I do, because I know that someday that logical/deductive reasoning might let me finish law school (unlike that last time when I dropped out).
Brain, today I want you to act on instinct. I want you to stop processing at lightening speed and start having fun. Talk to people, do not overanalyze what you say and what they say, life is too short.
That is my request. And also? No more wild dreams about having a runny nose that will not stop. That's gross. And frustrating.
Love, Mariah XO
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
New Years Resolutions
In light of the fact that it's now 2009, I feel it is more than appropriate to discuss the age old question: "What is your resolution this year?"
Essentially a resolution is something we want to change, right? Or something we really want to stick with for once... I'm pretty sure that from age 14-22 I resolved to lose 40 pounds by February. Always good to set realistic goals. Not this year- we are DONE with that. But before we talk about resolutions, I would like to mention that I almost didn't MAKE it to the New Year, thanks to the good ol Northeast and it's ability to snow like a mofo. I, of course, am from Maine and therefore always decide that I have some sort of an upper hand against Mother Nature. I'm like a rebellious teenager.
"Dear Mother Nature,
Screw you and your crazy snow. Sure, you just laid 2 feet of it on the ground. Yes, my windshield wipers suck. No, I don't enjoy black ice. But here I am, in my car, driving to New Hampshire. Ya, kiss it.
Love, Mariah"
ANNNNNNNND Then I spin out on 293, drive straight across three lanes of traffic while trying (and failing) to overcorrect and land in a ditch on the side of the road. That's like Mother Nature's sick way of grounding me for sneaking out.
But, I remained very calm. For those of you who know me, that might seem like a huge lie. Actually, though, I decided there was no sense in freaking out. So I MacGyvered my way out by slowly going into drive then reverse over and over and over again and then punching it out back onto the road. I mean really, that's all I kept saying in my head: "What would MacGyver do?" I might get a WWMD bracelet now.
RESOLUTION 1? Lose my Maine ego. Also, get new windshield wipers. Be kinder to Mother Nature. Maybe perform some ritual with pine cones every night where I do an interpretive dance around a ring of them on my floor.
And now that we have resolution 1 out there, we may as well keep rolling....
RESOLUTION 2: Work on the Totes.Awk Production company and its first Totes.Awes CD. F'in Magee, you and I have both sold our souls to the non-profit world so the sooner we hammer out a one hit wonder, the sooner we get to be selective about the wine at restaurants. We won't actually have to say, "Umm, you know, whatever's cheapest."
RESOLUTION 3: Eat more chocolate. It releases incredible endorphins and endorphins make us happy. Who doesn't want to be happy? I embraced this resolution seriously on Sunday night where over the course of 24 hours I ate an entire box of Oreos. Then from Monday to yesterday when I ate an entire bag of Hershey kisses. Mmmm....
RESOLUTION 4: Meditate more and read more Buddhist philosophy. It makes my heart happy and can really put things in perspective during the wildest of times.
RESOLUTION 5: Stop holding back. Release passion to the wind with all people at all time... if I want to dance? Dance. Sing? Sing. Hug and kiss and laugh? Hug and kiss and laugh. Yell and get mad? Yell and get mad. No more trying to come off as the sweet, agreeable one. Sweet and agreeable is BORING. No, this does not mean I am going to fly off the handle and start jumping people or throwing things. But it does mean that when I have a strong opinion, I'm going to express it and when I love, I am going to let people know. And oh- if there is actually a restaurant I want to go to or a movie I want to see? No more, "Whatever you want to do is fine." We are changing things up this year. We are giving more depth to our character- the depth that is already there but needs to be released.
RESOLUTION 6: Listen to my heart instead of everone else's opinion. There is a reason why we all live in different bodies. We all have different minds, different needs, different wants. The only person who you truly need to level with at the end of every day is yourself. So do what is right for you. If you make a mistake along the way? So be it. Mistakes give us personality and a better understanding of ourselves. And sometimes really funny stories to tell after the fact.
RESOLUTION 7: Learn how to pop lock and drop it.
RESOLUTION 8: Save more money so I can a) buy bridesmaids dresses for this summer and b) maybe go on an awesome trip someday. LIKE the World Cup in 2014.
RESOLUTION 9: Embrace imperfection, mine and everyone else's. Stop feeling entitled to a life without flaw. It is flawed. It always has been, it always will be.
RESOLUTION 10: And this is the final one for now.............wake up every morning with the knowledge that today is a new day and you can choose to be happy or sad. Then get out of bed, put on a smile, and rock the world.
Happy 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXO
Essentially a resolution is something we want to change, right? Or something we really want to stick with for once... I'm pretty sure that from age 14-22 I resolved to lose 40 pounds by February. Always good to set realistic goals. Not this year- we are DONE with that. But before we talk about resolutions, I would like to mention that I almost didn't MAKE it to the New Year, thanks to the good ol Northeast and it's ability to snow like a mofo. I, of course, am from Maine and therefore always decide that I have some sort of an upper hand against Mother Nature. I'm like a rebellious teenager.
"Dear Mother Nature,
Screw you and your crazy snow. Sure, you just laid 2 feet of it on the ground. Yes, my windshield wipers suck. No, I don't enjoy black ice. But here I am, in my car, driving to New Hampshire. Ya, kiss it.
Love, Mariah"
ANNNNNNNND Then I spin out on 293, drive straight across three lanes of traffic while trying (and failing) to overcorrect and land in a ditch on the side of the road. That's like Mother Nature's sick way of grounding me for sneaking out.
But, I remained very calm. For those of you who know me, that might seem like a huge lie. Actually, though, I decided there was no sense in freaking out. So I MacGyvered my way out by slowly going into drive then reverse over and over and over again and then punching it out back onto the road. I mean really, that's all I kept saying in my head: "What would MacGyver do?" I might get a WWMD bracelet now.
RESOLUTION 1? Lose my Maine ego. Also, get new windshield wipers. Be kinder to Mother Nature. Maybe perform some ritual with pine cones every night where I do an interpretive dance around a ring of them on my floor.
And now that we have resolution 1 out there, we may as well keep rolling....
RESOLUTION 2: Work on the Totes.Awk Production company and its first Totes.Awes CD. F'in Magee, you and I have both sold our souls to the non-profit world so the sooner we hammer out a one hit wonder, the sooner we get to be selective about the wine at restaurants. We won't actually have to say, "Umm, you know, whatever's cheapest."
RESOLUTION 3: Eat more chocolate. It releases incredible endorphins and endorphins make us happy. Who doesn't want to be happy? I embraced this resolution seriously on Sunday night where over the course of 24 hours I ate an entire box of Oreos. Then from Monday to yesterday when I ate an entire bag of Hershey kisses. Mmmm....
RESOLUTION 4: Meditate more and read more Buddhist philosophy. It makes my heart happy and can really put things in perspective during the wildest of times.
RESOLUTION 5: Stop holding back. Release passion to the wind with all people at all time... if I want to dance? Dance. Sing? Sing. Hug and kiss and laugh? Hug and kiss and laugh. Yell and get mad? Yell and get mad. No more trying to come off as the sweet, agreeable one. Sweet and agreeable is BORING. No, this does not mean I am going to fly off the handle and start jumping people or throwing things. But it does mean that when I have a strong opinion, I'm going to express it and when I love, I am going to let people know. And oh- if there is actually a restaurant I want to go to or a movie I want to see? No more, "Whatever you want to do is fine." We are changing things up this year. We are giving more depth to our character- the depth that is already there but needs to be released.
RESOLUTION 6: Listen to my heart instead of everone else's opinion. There is a reason why we all live in different bodies. We all have different minds, different needs, different wants. The only person who you truly need to level with at the end of every day is yourself. So do what is right for you. If you make a mistake along the way? So be it. Mistakes give us personality and a better understanding of ourselves. And sometimes really funny stories to tell after the fact.
RESOLUTION 7: Learn how to pop lock and drop it.
RESOLUTION 8: Save more money so I can a) buy bridesmaids dresses for this summer and b) maybe go on an awesome trip someday. LIKE the World Cup in 2014.
RESOLUTION 9: Embrace imperfection, mine and everyone else's. Stop feeling entitled to a life without flaw. It is flawed. It always has been, it always will be.
RESOLUTION 10: And this is the final one for now.............wake up every morning with the knowledge that today is a new day and you can choose to be happy or sad. Then get out of bed, put on a smile, and rock the world.
Happy 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXO
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