This Is Going To Make An Awesome Story!

Have you ever wondered why when in any given moment, your brain is literally minutes, hours, days or years ahead of you, giving you that cartoon character feeling where you wind up so fast to run that your feet have left and your body is still in place? Because I wonder about that every day. I'll be the first person to tell you to live in the moment, love the very second you're in and stop and smell the roses. But maybe it's easier to do that when there is nothing in the forseeable future. Maybe the reason we can just be happy in a moment is because we don't have any foresight into what the next moment may be. And when we finally DO, it changes everything.

I remember being at my old job and going home everyday to spend hours applying for new positions. I was so intent on moving on and moving out that the past year of my life before I moved to Boston was a pathetic little blur. I have almost no fond memories or pangs of nostalgia for that year at all except for the fact that I did love my coworkers and still miss them.

Now I am at my new job and I'm happy. I love what I do, I believe in it, and I've made great new friends. I have a fun apartment with awesome roommates in a great area of town. There is no forecasting. I'm living in the moment because there isn't any other moment that I want right now. I want what I have... or maybe I have what I want.

Of course, I still daydream about that chocolate shop at the foot of the Swiss Alps... but it seems more likely that that will come after the student loans have been paid off.

Then of course there is the issue of love- I've been in love... twice actually... maybe even three times. All very different types of love with very different types of people. And before I was in love with those various people, life was OK. I didn't have that "over the moon" feeling and a smile literally plastered to my face (ok, maybe I had the smile, but it wasn't coming from the same depths as the "love" smile), but life was good. I didn't know what I was missing-- I just knew that being single rocked, spending time with friends was the best, and all would happen in good time. Then, like a bat out of hell, love sideswipes you and turns you into this mush pot that picks wildflowers off the side of the road during lunch break. And all of a sudden you've reached this incredible high that you didn't know was possible and it's scary because what goes up must come down as the law of physics goes.

Bam. You're down. And now you're back to the place you were before except now you KNOW what love is like and now life is not quite the same. So you swear off relationships and you spend years reconstructing your heart and learning how to be the sassy, independent diva that you are... and that's when it happens again. Why? Because nature draws people into you when you are at your best. It makes sense...it's just annoying. Just when you finally think you're back to normal and happy, the complication finds its way back into your life. And you resist and fight and want desperately to keep it out but you eventually let your guard down again... and then it happens- the raging disappointment. The feeling that there is suddenly compromise or pain in someway... there is worry and missed calls and constant glancing into the future. Is this it? Where are we going? Should one of us move? Ughhhh.....

So again, things come down as they tend to and you are back at square one... though usually the second heartbreak is easier than the first. Maybe not easier, per se, you just now know how to deal with it and move on without the tears and excessive eating.

But see that's where it gets tricky- because now you've learned on multiple occasions that just because something is good at the start does not mean it always will be and it's a total double edged sword- you either keep your defenses so strong that you don't let anything in OR you let them down completely for a shot at that punch drunk feeling again... but you are reluctant to let yourself have that feeling because you know what it has the potential to do to you.

This is essentially a ramble. But I've been thinking about all of these things lately... and wondering if happiness comes from being 100% satisfied with life in its current state, in all its simplicity without complication? If happiness is the plateau where you know things aren't likely to go down at any moment (unless you get hit by a car or something) and it doesn't have the potential to go up, it just sort of is what it is and you have a routine and you're calm?

Hmmm.... No idea.